I am an addict. My closet and calendar reveal clues about my habit. My addictive behavior begins when I hear my ancient enemy whisper, “You are not enough.”
Frantic to quiet his words of twisted truth, I strategize how to “become enough.” As insecurity rushes in, I become a junkie looking for a “fix.” Fear and bad habits multiply my stress. I try hard to make up for my insufficiency by “adding” to myself.
For instance, I’m anxious at public events, large crowds, and social settings. Before I attend an event, I spend excessive energy trying to find clothing that makes me feel confident. I can’t seem to stop what I know is a useless process. My habit wastefully consumes money, time, and closet space. None of this consumption leads to an increase in my confidence or a feeling of “being enough.”
When I recognize my addictive cycle, I become self-disgusted and even more stressed.
I feel banned to live an endless life on Insecurity Island chasing everything I think I need but finding nothing is ever enough.
When I decide to change my habits, The Flaw Keeper devilishly suggests, “Do what you must, but remember, you are not enough.”
Instantly I jump into my second addiction.
I DO things.
To hush that voice, I strive harder to “be enough.”
With my calendar in hand, I whisper, “I will change. I will DO more. I will diet. I will exercise. I will be good, kind, diligent and witty. I will go to more church stuff—be more spiritual. I will do everything I can for all that I can. Then, I will be “enough.”
After a round of “doing,” I suddenly see my flawed self again. Because of the “Doing Fog” that surrounds Insecurity Island, I don’t realize I’ve stepped back into my captivity. Instead of living in the shallowness of my full closet, I’m now living in the jungle of “doing enough.”
I know three things about my addictive cycle.
1. I am not alone. Insecurity Island is a gated community. Anyone can live there, but few ever get out.
2. Any bad action can be a method of quieting the voice that says, “You are not enough.” Not just drugs and alcohol. You can be a junkie of your choice and experience temporary relief by seeking endless amounts of drugs, alcohol, sexual conquests, entertainment, education, sports, relationships, jobs. All these can cover up or help you ignore your “defect”
But this fact comes with a warning…
Once a junkie like me has a “fix” of their favorite distraction, they soon wake up feeling worse than before!
The final and most important thing I know is this.
I need transformation.
I know I will have to be completely changed, or I’ll never permanently get off Insecurity Island.
Remodeling “me” is not enough. (I already know that “covering me” is not enough.) I will have to be torn down, my flawed thinking removed, and new walls and boundaries built. It won’t be an overnight process. It might take a lifetime!
You see, the Flaw Keeper is right. In one way, I’m not enough. Without Jesus, I’m not enough to embark on a relationship with God.
That’s ALL that I am missing!
EVERY area where I feel inadequate is really only pumpkin material for a God who transforms!
With God in my life, doing and transforming, I am MORE THAN ENOUGH.
Now on days when my addiction wants to take over more territory, I’m learning to “shout” the following scriptures.
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (NIV)
For becoming more than I can imagine….
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” 1 Corinthians. 2:9 (NLT)
One of MANY Bible stories of “more than enough”
“They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.” Luke 9:17 (NIV)
For team effort…. (me plus God)
“…in all these things we are more than conquerors through him (Christ) who loved us.” Romans 8:37 (NIV)
“I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me.” Philippians. 4:13 (Amplified)
My Grandfather’s favorite
“Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:5
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How about you? What twisted truth triggers your addicted self? What helps you get back on track?